I Will Not
by the fates of love
Summary: I know that these have been done before, and that they have potential to be very funny! Basically, things you can't do in Forks, as there is a family of vampire's and a pack of werewolves right next door! Enjoy! RxR
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone out there! You may or may not know me, I'm the fates of love, but lots of good bests on the site call me fates, and you are welcome to do so! This is my first time writing out of my comfort zone, so please go easy on me! But, I'm not exactly new to the overall site either, so criticism is welcome! I hope you enjoy this, and I hope that elegos-sirianial-shamtul, of whom I dedicate this story to, isn't over the top peed off at me! And please remember that I love all the characters as much as you do! I just like making fun, so these are just some harmless words of wit, riiiiight?!**

**Disclaimer: I cannot will full confidence say that I own Twilight, COTT (for my fans from other dimensions), or Robert Pattinson. He is however, veery nice looking!**

I will not claim that Edwards greatest super-human power is running away.

He can also see the porno, nymphomania thoughts of teen girls so he can get a date!

I can't brand something as "So easy Esme could do it".

She will find it, and pain will be inevitable.

I will not steal Rosalie's makeup and other beauty products for my own personal enjoyment of hearing her scream all the way across town.

It should never be claimed that Alice's predictions come from "The Magic 8 ball of Love". I would do well to remember this.

I will not insist that Bella slept with Emmett and Jasper, just so they would turn her.

Even if it is true.

Even if I have bonafied evidence.

I will not walk up to Edward and Bella, Rosalie and Emmett, or Alice and Jasper when either couple is holding hands, then shout as loud as possible: "I thought we had something special going on here!"

Or "Are you gonna smack her into a wall yet?!"

I will not bet Bella that vampires can't get horny.

I will then be responsible for her pregnace if she finds Edward.

**Wow! I love it! If you get mad at me, you clearly have no scence of humor^_^ So, RxR, and maybe theres more in store if I get a good idea. **

**Your friend and fellow writer,**

**fates^.^**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi. Ok, so I'm working hard to put out some quality hilarity and I get two reviews. Nice. Btw, thank to the people who _did _review! I loves you. Oh well, whether people are reading or not, it's too darn fun to stop! Bon appetite!**

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

I will not tell Edward that Bella hates him and never wants to see him again. He could:

A) Kill himself (and **_NONE_** of us want that!)

B) Read my mind and see I'm lieing just so I might get the chance to date him myself.

C) Because of Section B, part 1, kill ME for messing him up like that!

Nor will I tell Edward that Bella is pregnant, for he will go into a panic spiral.

I will not give Bella a glass of vodka and tell her its ginger ale.

Or vice-versa (Althought that wouldn't be much fun!).

She is probably smart enough to figure out that I'm trying to mess with her. Therefore, instant ass kicking.

I will not find some way to keep the werewolves at Bella's house while Jacob went into the forest a phased, so no one can bring him clothes when he changes back. It would be hilarious to have a naked Jacob wandering in the woods, but I think that might make him cry, as I am not Bella thinking these dirty thoughts!

I'm not even that fond of Jacob, but it _would_ be funny.

Edward in the woods likethat, is a **WHOLE** different story.

I will never claim to have written Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, or Midnight Sun. I don't think Stephenie would be pleased.

That. And I don't claim to trust my attorney.

I can however say that I _own_ Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. But I don't own Breaking Dawn or Midnight Sun, because I haven't bought Breaking Dawn yet and Midnight Sun isn't out yet!

**Well, I hope you all, who ever you are, like reading these as much as I liked writing them! And if you though they weren't that funny, or you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear!**

**Cheers!**

**FaTeS**


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